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As I was prepping to write this blog post, I got to thinking about the origins of Valentine’s Day. Who on Earth would design a holiday so obviously targeting the single people of the world? I narrowed down the list of possible creators to: 1) some sucker under the spell of a love potion; 2) that long-haired model Fabio, whose image has graced the covers of a million romance novels; or 3) a singleton who in an ironic, sadisitic twist wanted girlfriends and wives to get mad at their significant others when the roses they received weren’t red enough.

I found out thanks to some, um, scholarly Wikipedian research that Valentine’s Day is, in fact, very loosely related to the lovelorn St. Valentine. In other words, it’s a big crock. So for all you single folk out there, join me in the following activities to rebel against this commercialized way of making us feel like crap:

Reserve a table for two. And bring an inflatable doll or a body pillow as your significant other. As Susie and Joe are having a romantic little evening at their favorite Italian restaurant, you’ll be right beside them, trying to force-feed your “date” some spaghetti.

Buy out everywhere. Supermarkets, pharmacies, specialty stores, even Costcos nothing is off-limits. Buy up all the chocolate you can possibly fit in your shopping basket. Make 20 round trips. Dig a huge hole in your backyard and hoard it all there. That’ll show ’em.

Invade a rom-com. Get to the movies early, buy a ticket for OMG It Must Be Luv! or I Just Wanna Kiss You All Night Long or Valentine’s Day 2 along with a couple of tubs of popcorn, and camp out in the very back row of your designated theater. Whenever there is hand-holding, throw popcorn at the screen. Whenever there’s a makeout scene, scream out, “That’s disgusting!” If there’s any nudity, well, maybe you should consider bringing a flare gun to shoot out the screen. And (just a thought) wear all black.

Celebrate Singles Awareness Day. No joke. It really exists. It’s a celebration of being single. So rejoice! Then go find someone to hook up with.

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